Image for post
Image for post

Democracy is Terrifyingly Fragile, So Why Not Enjoy this “Bo Diddley Beat” Spotify I Made?

Donald Trump is not going to concede this election. We all saw this coming, but still, it’s going to be a long and painful couple of months. I, for one, am in desperate need of coping mechanisms that aren’t alcohol or drugs, so I made a playlist in Spotify of all pop songs containing the famous Bo Diddley Beat. (Or at least, all the ones I could find.)

A Brief Background on the Bo Diddley Beat

The Bo Diddley Beat is a popular musical rhythm…

Image for post
Image for post
Image by Kirgiz03 from Pixabay

Hello human. Yes, it is I, the neighborhood cat, and I’m back for my daily squat-and-push in your kid’s sandbox. You caught me. Guilty as charged. But before you start swinging that broom at me, don’t you think you’re being a little hypocritical?

Look, I get it — you don’t want me taking a dump where your four-year-old plays every day. Makes sense. Sifting turds out of your toddler’s sandbox like a 19th century California gold panner isn’t exactly the highlight of your week, I’m sure. I know pitching loaves in random backyards is bound to ruffle some fur from…

Image for post
Image for post

[Cue infomercial muzak. Camera pans to me, sitting on an old recliner in my study. I’m icing my knee and filling an “I hate Mondays” coffee mug with vodka. I am surprised by the camera and quickly put the bottle of vodka down on the mohagany side table. Acting casual, I begin to speak.]

Injuries. We all get ’em. Some are big, some are small. In my 10 years of playing this physically demanding, high-impact sport, I’ve had more than a few myself. Heck, I’m dealing with this pesky fluid-on-the-knee thing as we speak. [Pats ice pack, chuckles.]

Image for post
Image for post

Hey you.

Yeah, YOU.

You there, struggling middle-aged entrepreneur, so ambivalent about whether you actually possess the talent and resolve to achieve your dream career that you turn to self-improvement articles on platforms like Medium to learn how to fulfill your potential – I’m talking to YOU.

You like blogs with short, BOLDED PARAGRAPHS, DON’T YOU?

You like articles with generic stock photos of beautiful young white women as featured images. Blog posts with PUNCHY, GRABBY opening lines like the one above.

OF COURSE YOU DO, and I know this. So I post these condescending advice pieces of pure quackery…

Image for post
Image for post

I'll officially be hitting my 10-year derbyversary around late August, so here are 20 things I've learned over the past decade:

  1. Uniform measurements lie. Always size up. ALWAYS.
  2. Concussions can happen in a multitude of ways and are no joke.
  3. No, coach is not giving you a hi-five; she’s actually just trying to get the star from you. Don’t make it awkward.
  4. Jammers are only as good as their blockers’ willingness to accept responsibility.
  5. The outside line WILL betray you. Tread carefully.
  6. Face it: you earned that track cut. You always earn the track cuts.
  7. Gender is a spectrum and…

Katrina Swirko

Writer of humor, satire, short fiction, and riddles for all who dare cross my bridge. Used to play roller derby.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store